For some reasons, I have to urge to write all these things down, for a record in the future, if I would ever feel this way again.
I wonder if it's jealous or just pure admire when I see my friends go partying, like.. really wild. Even those who are younger than me, that enjoy partying in the club or events, whenever I see those pictures I would feel like the hell..what am I doing inside my room? People are enjoying out there while I'm just stuck here, either doing my work or just lazy to go out!I wonder why but my mindset is already thinking that go partying and rocking wild is a dangerous act, or sometimes a waste of time. I rather go relaxing elsewhere rather than using my remaining energy to get my adrenaline pump up even more. But lately, I'm being aware of my own age and the enviousness whenever I see those photos, and couldn't help but thinking that, am I playing too safe? I wana rock out too; I wana drink but not getting drunk; I wana hang out with girl friends who don't give a damn and play hard. Otherwise, I would feel left out, which I already am.
It's true that most of the time I'm not being honest with myself. I acted to please my surroundings. Who is the real me, I'm not sure myself, and if you ask around they would have different opinions about me. Not surprised, because I behave to suit everyone's taste. I can be wild, I used to be wild. But I think I stuck with the introverts one too long that I lost all connections to the wild girl inside me, and I wana bring her out again.
and now is the other pondering thought. I defense myself too much at times. Not everyone thinks the same thoughts as mine, I have to listen. But at times I just can't control the urge to prove that mine is indeed right, and they have to adjust to mine. I feel bad whenever i find myself acting this way again. Yes I do listen alright, but probably after doing some defense. Like this morning I felt kinda annoyed with my lecturers who pin pointed me out some of the nonsense scenes which I purposefully done for my video. The lecturer has a point, yes, but the feeling of being rejected was abit overwhelmed for me to take. I didn't make a ruckus, of course, but defensively explaining my points. and I FEEL BAD! I mean, I gotta listen! I don't wana be like that one guy who only thinks about himself and yes he is always that defensive :/
and now I'm talking bad about the other person, what the hell? it brings back the memories of the days where I used to spam my blog with lots and lots of complains about life, enemies and anything that annoy the hell out of me, until my sis told me one day that to never complain, but appreciate what you have.
so right now, I'm happy to say that I'm complaining about myself. I wana be better. I GOT to be better. This semester is a rather down one for me, I don't feel great from any of the work I've done. well, not all. but most! It's like, I'm slowing down and people are catching up behind. No i'm not kiasu. I'm just disappointed with my progression this semester. There are just so many things that I'm still noob of. On second thought, I think is the greed that makes me think this way. Greed, I'm greedy of power and skills. I want to be good in many ways...if better, an expert in all the things I do. But I myself know that such thing could never happen. People should have flaws in order to be.. well.. human. what the hell am I saying?
Maybe it's the tiredness in me that make me write all these things. hey, I didn't sleep for 24 hours, get that fact! or maybe that my period is making its call. It's usually on these days that my mind is being truthful with itself.